Too many golfers playing in front of us that exhibit what follows. It’s fine if they are playing Super Twilight at 4:30 PM, but somehow there are always two foursomes of these guys at 6:45 and 7:22.

3 minute pre-shot routine
14 step swing checklist
Scratch (see blog vocabulary) finish

If reading a detailed account of what a slow play specialist does step by step will make you sick, skip the area in between the dotted lines.

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How many times have you all witnessed this?…and if you find yourself reading this and not laughing, guess what?

(I wanted to describe a tee shot, because an approach shot would have included stepping off the yardage three times, throwing up grass five times and changing clubs twice…and in case it isn’t obvious, everything in parenthesis is Monte talking)

“On the tee, playing out of Takemyselftooseriously, PA…three time winner of the Zipper Open…Don Q. Duffer.”

Crickets chirp while Don waits for the group in front to get more than 350 yards away, because one time he hit a ball that went 349.

Anyway, stand behind the ball and stare down the fairway at the blade of grass where you want to hit the ball. Walk in a semi-circle into the ball with feet together…look down the fairway again and then very slowly, separate feet, one at a a time the prefect amount while looking down at them. Grip the club perfectly with left hand…then the right. Look down the fairway again…pause to relax, then take a perfect practice swing.

Take a small step with each foot, one at a time to addresses the ball. Turn your right foot in, turn your left foot out, release the right hand from the club and shake it all about.

Do the hokey pokey.

“Wait…I haven’t gone through my 14 step swing checklist.” OK, now freeze over the ball for the next 15-25 seconds while I go through this.”

1. Take the club back so the shaft is parallel to the ground, the toe of the club points 32.6 degrees from straight up and the shaft is pointing right at the target (good idea, let’s use the arms to put the club in a specific place that a simple shoulder turn would do automatically)…wait am I hitting a draw or a fade?
2. while restricting my hip turn for added power (which will inhibit my shoulder turn because I don’t stretch and am not flexible so I will end up making a back swing all with my arms)…
3. while keeping my left arm straight (which means my left elbow locked which causes tension and increases my arm swing even more)…
4. I will set my hand angle at 90 degrees when my swing is a 9 o’clock (which makes me turn my head to look during practice swings to make sure I am doing it right, which in turn gets me in the habit of turning my head to look when I make real swings)…
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.fill in the blanks with any 7 pieces of technical jargon
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12. Keep my head down (which shuts off what little shoulder turn I have and makes me dive at the ball)…
13. Pronate my forearms after impact (which, yet again, stops me from turning in order to let the arms control the swing more than they have already.
14. Finish high with the club shaft around the back of my head and twist into a fully contorted reverse C (Which is an unnatural position to begin with and even more so if you are forcing it there from out of position. Chiropractor here I come)…

..into the scratch finish and pose so everyone will tell you what a pretty swing you have and hold it for at least 5-10 seconds, admiring the shot…(that you just topped 33 yards).

Now step off the yardage and start all over again.

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I know I am a big jerk, but let me tell you something. If you do any of the things I mentioned above, you are shooting higher scores than you should be. Look at it this way, if you drove a car with your arms stiff at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel and every movement of the wheel and pedals were a thought process…and you knew your arms angles were 42 degrees and when you depressed the break it had to be with a stiff foot and you hinged your ankle to only the left half of the break pedal and top 1/3 of the gas and you had to look a the pedals to make sure you were pressing them the right way…and if you drive a stick shift and had more parameters for the clutch and gear shift…and a mental checklist for parking…how long would it take you to get into an accident.

Leave all of the mechanics and routines on the range. Quickly get the yardage, get setup with balance and swing with rhythm and you will be amazed how much lower you shoot.