Be very careful who you listen to regarding your golf game.

(for those who may not know, Usain Bolt set the world record for the 100M, 200M and 4x100M races at the 2008 Olympics and is the fastest man in the world)

“I know a guy faster than Usain Bolt”

Basically, you would think anyone was a moron for saying that. What would you think of a guy who would walk up to Bolt and say, “I was on the bus the other day and I saw a guy running after the bus and he was faster than you.”

Insane, stupid, idiotic, deranged, in need of meds?

I won the National Long drive on a Sunday in September of 1992. Literally the next day, and many days since, I started hearing stories of people who could not only hit it farther than me, but people who could blow it past me. The rub was it wasn’t a fellow long driver, a tour player, or even that phony baloney Jack Hamm who has all those grunt filled infomercials.

It is always “the assistant pro at our club, a nephew, a buddy, this guy I know, my friend’s sister’s hairdresser’s best friend’s dog groomer’s husband’s proctologist.”

It is not hyperbole to say I have heard stories (most of them hilarious) of 1000 or more people who can hit it longer than me. Several dozen times I have ended up playing with said bomber and never was this person within 50 yards of my regular course swing, never mind my long drive swing.

One of these guys gets setup to play with me and on the first tee he hits one about 3 bills and stares me down. When I hit it 50 past him he spent the next 6 holes trying to give himself a hernia. Finally he nailed one and said, “catch that!” I hope the witness to this story (he reads the blog occasionally) chimes in that I hit it 76 or 78 yards past him on that hole…forgot which, as my friend stepped it off.

(I do have a point to this, just one more anecdote)

Here is the epitome of these such stories.

I was playing with a guy one day in a group I just got paired with. He kept calling me Marty. I was really hitting it hard that day. I launched several 350 yarders and drove it in the green side bunker on a 420 downhill downwind par 4.

After each one of these drives, I heard, “wow, you hit the ball really far. I only know one guy who hits it farther than you, but he hits is way by you. He’s a friend of mine.” After each drive I hit, I heard a story of an even bigger drive that he saw this individual hit.

After nearly driving the 420 yard par 4 he said something like, “wow, that is impressive, but you still don’t hit it nearly as far as my friend. Maybe you have heard of him. His name is Monte Scheinblum and he is a long drive champion.”

Without saying a word, I smiled and handed him my driver’s license.

I am telling you this story for two reasons. One, it’s funny, but more importantly, these know it alls who want to tell me about all of the schmoes who supposedly hit it farther than me are the same people who are on every range in America giving lessons to anyone who will listen…most especially to people they don’t know.

They talk plane, lag, levers, pivot and a barrage of other scratch terms they have little understanding of, other than what they learned in the latest issue of Golf Digest.

This is where I believe the greatest loss of strokes is taking place for many golfers right now. Trying to implement the misunderstood technobabble laden tips of these range gurus. These are the same guys that show up to their weekly poker game with a hood, sunglasses and an ipod. They go all in with pocket 7’s with a J, Q and K of spades on the board.

Don’t put your golf game all in with one of these bozos.

If you are one of these bozos…I am not laughing at you…OK, I am laughing at you 🙂 but I have some advice for you. Until you make the final table at the World Series of Poker, dump the hoodie, the shades, the tunes, just play cards and have fun.

More importantly, let people who don’t solicit advice have fun playing golf…and the ones who solicit advice, keep whatever you tell them very simple.

Like most things on this blog, I am not saying I am above any of this. I used to offer all sorts of unsolicited and technical advice. The more I learned about the swing, the less often I did these things.

The moral to the story: Don’t be a scratch duck and leave the chops alone.

(see blog vocabulary to translate the last sentence)




  1. Peter Balogh

    “His name is Monte Scheinblum and he is a long drive champion.” You should have told him with a Clint Eastwood face Pointing with the Driver at him: “Tell that Monte whatever that Marty wants to see him tomorrow at noon, Driving range if he is not too scared!

  2. radioman

    Man, like I said yesterday, this golf site is entertaining!
    Monte, todays’s blog surely has a humorous side to it,
    and also a disgusting side.
    Like when you see a fat guy wearing speedos on
    a cruise ship.

    Keep ’em comin’

  3. Peter Balogh

    Yeah man I hate those longhitting basterds also 🙂 LOL

  4. Schmiddi

    Fantastic………..I know a lot of those guys who knows somebody who somebody knows who heard about somebody………..

    As well as the range pros, who are engaged to let me know all the sensational quick fixes which I need to know obviously!

  5. Bogeydog

    Playing in a scramble at Innisbrook (Copperhead), the day after a PGA Tour event, I stepped up on the first tee and busted a drive on the severely downhill par 5 about 320 yards. (Maybe 15 yards or so past where VJ hit it the day before).

    I was kind of strutting my stuff because there was a long drive guy there who for $5 would hit 3 shots and you could play from his best ball. Well, lets just say he flew it almost 100 yards past my ball. I stopped strutting pretty quickly……

  6. steve lyons

    Hilarious. Every post should require a story like these.


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